此间的记忆(nono语)

 

昨天借的书里的一段

Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hidsight because it concealed dark truth? Why does the memory of years of happy marriage turn to gall when
ur partner is revealed to have had a lover all these years? because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy？ But we were happy! sometimes the memory
of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain?

大概是说常常因为不幸福的结局就否认曾经happy的过程。就像人们常常分开了以后就不记得曾经在一起的幸福。但事实上不是这样的。

连续做了5顿一模一样的饭了，估计明天还有一顿一样的，但好像还没有厌烦，就像大学的时候天天去七食堂吃西红柿炒鸡蛋。有时候想想自己还真是喜欢重复的人，喜欢吃一样的东西，去一样的地方，做一样的事情，无趣又神奇。

今天好像对一个朋友说了一些不该说的话，说讨厌这样的朋友，有时候只要忍着就过去了，可是还是说了。不能很好control自己mind的人倒是很喜欢control别人的行为，又喜欢肆无忌惮说话，因为这样才朋友少的? 哈哈，好像该反省一下。这个朋友好像不知道怎么看这个blog, 要是能看见的话，还是觉得自己没有错，不要再东张西望了，不喜欢说对不起，但今天语气不对，大概上火了。

oba问鸟是不是想oba了，答想到oba明天回来觉得很舒服。

 

 

老人家推荐的歌，听后很喜欢，可是一直没有下到，大概想听的时候总能听到，所以找的不够用力。
好久没有写过了，大概因为日子过的太相似了。
这几天oba出差，所以一个人呆着，不能说enjoy这样的日子，但是感觉自己好像更能handle这样的日子了。一直是一个胆子很小的人，大概因为从小妈妈就一直在身边守着？一个人的时候就害怕，不知所措，隐隐约约好像有什么要入侵的感觉，所以总是很努力的把自己hold together。但是现在好像可以这么不那么用力的自己呆着，自己做饭，自己吃饭，自己睡觉，自己醒来，自己开车，自己走路。
最近看了一个韩国的综艺节目，叫我们结婚了，喜欢生菜couple, 本来是为了fun看得，结果却把自己看伤了，很努力要抽离。和一个韩国朋友谈起，不能理解为什么会因此难过，oba也觉得因为自己不能很好的control自己的mind才会这么容易为别人的爱情忧伤或者欢喜。于是只能自己疯。
自从上个月submit paper之后一直茫茫然的过着，不知道下一个项目想要做什么，下一步要走去哪里。今天去library pick up预约的书，家里很阴，外面温度倒是很高，但还是严严实实的把自己裹在hoodie里，回来的路上堵车，在十字路口看借来的书，结果堵了后面一排的车，最后被笛了，心盼望着能被从茫然中唤醒解救了，未果。
老人家说杨佳瑞对他的四年观察和三年沉淀归结为“友善”，仿之，对老人家的四年+三年归纳为“舒服”，老人家说荣幸，因为舒服大都是用来形容生活用具，诸如枕头，布鞋，椅子。又回概括我的四年+三年为“同频”，下一封信追加“反相”，但仍觉得大幸。

 

 

You gonna trust me, all right?

Yes, I trust you.

 

A really nice movie.   Never thought life could be that hard for someone, and never thought someone could be that strong, as to protect their happyness, period.

Thanks Lu for recommending it.

Mom always tells me that my great-grandma was an elegant and pretty lady. I can still tell that even after she got really aged. I remember every time when we visit her, she keeps her hair combed and her clothes neat, and she likes wearing some fine jewelleries until she can no longer carry them. Mom told me that once ago my great-grandma was a daughter of a landlord, and lead a good, maybe luxurious life. Until one day, her first husband burned every penny they owned and all her jewelleries for poppy. Then my great-grandpa, the one I never met, married her, hence, she became my great-grandma. Mom used to tell me what a huge change of life my great-grandma had gone through, how she learned to do houseworks, how she walked miles to sell the fruits they planted to support her childrens, and how she spared her food for her children. I actually never spend any notable time alone with my great-grandma. When we were kids, every time we visit her, she will spend most of time with my little sister, hugging her, and talking to her. My little sister always knows how to brighten her day. I think maybe this is because my great-grandma used to feed my little sister when she's really young. And my little sister spent her first 5 years with my great-grandma, and thought that she's actually her "mom". But this did not quite bother me, cause I always think I am the luckier one, I got to spend my first 5 years with my parents and my grandparents, so I will always stay somewhere and watch them for a while, then mind my own business. After my great-grandma turned 90, she could not differentiate my little sister and me well, maybe her memory of my little sister kind of faded after years. Sometimes when Mom and I came to visit her alone, she would mistake me for my little sister. At the first a few times, I will try to correct her, but later on I will just answer her whenever she called me "Shanshan", which is the name of my little sister. She'll hold my hand and let me help her climb up to her room, and talk to me on the way to upstairs. She complained a lot about how the fake teeth bothered her, and how little food she can eat now, and the cough always made her stay up all night, and how every steps exhausted her. The thing bothered her most is that she has lost so many of  her hairs that she can no longer make them into a neat bob. After we reached her room, I will help her lay down on her bed, and cover her with blankets. My great-grandma shrinks a lot in her later years. She will keep talking for a little while, and I would listen closely to her, but I was never good at cheering her up. Luckily, she'll fall asleep soon, they get tired easily. Then I will leave the room and close the door. But today I really regreted that I didn't spend more time there watching her, I want to know what does her face look like after she fell asleep, is it peaceful? I want to know does she get relieved after she fell asleep, I want to know more about her, a little bit more. Mom told me even at her last moments, my great-grandma is quite aware of everything going on around her, and on her. Mom told me how she didn't want to just give in, how she wanted to live. My great-grandma lives three days just sipping some water and lives a 98 years long life. What a tough lady!  Mom told me she'll praise me if I can keep myself from passing out again and again, and treasure my life this much.  And I will remember that.
Great-grandma, you'll always be with us. Awe the miracle of life and May she rest peacefully in heaven.

 

 

 

Watching those tiny girls hopping on the ground, the beam, the bar and the saddle, bearing the hope of all the Chinese on their tiny shoulders, you just cannot help wondering how sweet and sparkling those smiles and tears on their faces are !